“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don't have to like it... it's just easier if you do.”
― Byron Katie
So... someone in my family died recently. And I will probably be crying the whole time I write this, so bear with me if it makes no sense sometimes. :-)
So when we got married, my husband and I, fifteen years ago, it was kind of sudden. He had broken up with his current girl friend, because I told him he had to if he liked me. And so he did. Then we were together and married soon after. It was sudden for his family too, who liked his other girl friend. And so some of the family, a specific relative or two, wasn't as nice and accepting of me as they could have been. In retrospect, I was young. Probably we all were and that contributed to our behavior. He talked his family up, and how close they all were, and how much I was going to love them. And then they didn't seem to like me at all, and it hurt. And I got upset. Then they did some things we didn't like and we didn't talk for years. Probably if they lived closer, we would have fought it out good and been over it. But they didn't. They lived a continent away, and eventually half a continent away. When they came to visit the family (we found out years later) they would tell the kids that they tried to call and we wouldn't answer, which was not the truth, but probably settled the kids. When we did see them, she (the specific relative in question, let's call her Pam) and I were cordial at best. We were friendly. But I knew she didn't like me, and since I am shy and awkward anyway, I kept it short to avoid any embarrassment of my own.
The family said we should fix this. And I knew it was true. It broke my husband's heart that they weren't close, like he used to be with them. But they were so far away and we hardly ever saw them. Eventually things smoothed over a bit. He called a few times to talk and be friendly. Then last Christmas she (Pam) was there at the Christmas party. By herself, without the kids who are grown now, without the husband who we figured was working like usual. And she was nice. And we laughed and chatted and talked. My husband too. Which made him feel very happy, I know. She said we should keep in touch, which made me happy, but that is just what people say, you know? So I thought that it would be nice to keep in touch, but that probably she was just saying that. (Maybe she thought the same thing. That I didn't really want to keep in touch, that I was just saying what was expected of me.)
Later we found out that she was so excited for us all to be together again. And that it felt like old times (she had been in the family practically since she was 12 years old, eventually to marry in to it when she was 18. And she and my husband had been so close growing up.) She talked about that party with a sparkle. What we didn't know at the time was that she was in the beginnings of a divorce. That the family she revolved her whole life around since she was not even a teenager was about to come unwound. Her kids were in and out of jail, he husband was seeing someone else. And she was moving back to town. She was here for 6 months before she took her life. We only knew she was here for the last month of it. And we didn't call. We were standoffish. Because that is always how we are.
She might have liked to come over and drink some wine with me. After all she likes wine, I like wine. It seemed like she was struggling with an alcohol problem, I have heard. Maybe. Or maybe she was just drinking away some of the pain. I don't know. We could have made cookies with the girls. Or just visited for lunch. She could have told me stories of her and my husband when they were younger. Stories I never heard until just now. (Now that she is gone, that is.) She might have just liked to be around. And we (she, me, my husband) we did nothing.
Maybe it would have made a difference. Maybe not. But it would have been nice for all of us if we had a few more nice visits. It would have been nice for us all to have something other than ONE Christmas party to remember in the last 15 years. And that is so sad. It makes me feel so sad.
So what do I do? I suppose I should make a list. A fix-it list. And start fixing those relationships now. Because she didn't know how many people would be sad that they didn't have just one more day with her. Maybe she didn't know that we would have liked one more day together. So many people in my life won't know that I wanted just one more day. Life happens and your one more day disappears.
I know this isn't specifically a homeschool post. But I suppose this small piece of my life might be helpful for my girls when they get older. I think I wanted to write it down and keep it so they could remember what I didn't realize until it was too late.
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