A Little Too Late

So a couple quotes to get us started on this topic.

“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don't have to like it... it's just easier if you do.”
― Byron Katie

So... someone in my family died recently. And I will probably be crying the whole time I write this, so bear with me if it makes no sense sometimes. :-)

So when we got married, my husband and I, fifteen years ago, it was kind of sudden. He had broken up with his current girl friend, because I told him he had to if he liked me. And so he did. Then we were together and married soon after. It was sudden for his family too, who liked his other girl friend. And so some of the family, a specific relative or two, wasn't as nice and accepting of me as they could have been. In retrospect, I was young. Probably we all were and that contributed to our behavior. He talked his family up, and how close they all were, and how much I was going to love them. And then they didn't seem to like me at all, and it hurt. And I got upset. Then they did some things we didn't like and we didn't talk for years. Probably if they lived closer, we would have fought it out good and been over it. But they didn't. They lived a continent away, and eventually half a continent away. When they came to visit the family (we found out years later) they would tell the kids that they tried to call and we wouldn't answer, which was not the truth, but probably settled the kids. When we did see them, she (the specific relative in question, let's call her Pam) and I were cordial at best. We were friendly. But I knew she didn't like me, and since I am shy and awkward anyway, I kept it short to avoid any embarrassment of my own.

The family said we should fix this. And I knew it was true. It broke my husband's heart that they weren't close, like he used to be with them. But they were so far away and we hardly ever saw them. Eventually things smoothed over a bit. He called a few times to talk and be friendly. Then last Christmas she (Pam) was there at the Christmas party. By herself, without the kids who are grown now, without the husband who we figured was working like usual. And she was nice. And we laughed and chatted and talked. My husband too. Which made him feel very happy, I know. She said we should keep in touch, which made me happy, but that is just what people say, you know? So I thought that it would be nice to keep in touch, but that probably she was just saying that. (Maybe she thought the same thing. That I didn't really want to keep in touch, that I was just saying what was expected of me.)

Later we found out that she was so excited for us all to be together again. And that it felt like old times (she had been in the family practically since she was 12 years old, eventually to marry in to it when she was 18. And she and my husband had been so close growing up.) She talked about that party with a sparkle. What we didn't know at the time was that she was in the beginnings of a divorce. That the family she revolved her whole life around since she was not even a teenager was about to come unwound. Her kids were in and out of jail, he husband was seeing someone else. And she was moving back to town. She was here for 6 months before she took her life. We only knew she was here for the last month of it. And we didn't call. We were standoffish. Because that is always how we are.

She might have liked to come over and drink some wine with me. After all she likes wine, I like wine. It seemed like she was struggling with an alcohol problem, I have heard. Maybe. Or maybe she was just drinking away some of the pain. I don't know. We could have made cookies with the girls. Or just visited for lunch. She could have told me stories of her and my husband when they were younger. Stories I never heard until just now. (Now that she is gone, that is.) She might have just liked to be around. And we (she, me, my husband) we did nothing.

Maybe it would have made a difference. Maybe not. But it would have been nice for all of us if we had a few more nice visits. It would have been nice for us all to have something other than ONE Christmas party to remember in the last 15 years. And that is so sad. It makes me feel so sad.

So what do I do? I suppose I should make a list. A fix-it list. And start fixing those relationships now. Because she didn't know how many people would be sad that they didn't have just one more day with her. Maybe she didn't know that we would have liked one more day together. So many people in my life won't know that I wanted just one more day. Life happens and your one more day disappears.

I know this isn't specifically a homeschool post. But I suppose this small piece of my life might be helpful for my girls when they get older. I think I wanted to write it down and keep it so they could remember what I didn't realize until it was too late.

The dreaded curfew

This is the latest assault on kids (teens hopefully?) running a-muck on Facebook lately. You missed curfew. Here is a blanket. Sleep outside.

The comments span from "Great idea I am going to try this" to "My kids would just go sleep on their friend's couch" to "your child could get kidnapped and killed staying outside like that". Most people liked it. Some people said it was mean. Lots of people used it as the morning joke to get their day started.

As with many photos I see of people mistreating kids, I put myself where they are... after all, this is something you say to someone because you think you have control over them. And let us women remember, it was not too long ago when women were fighting for their rights to not be controlled by other people. Women were the property of their husbands and/or fathers once. They were meant to act how men thought they should, or they were to be "put in their place". It wasn't rape if your husband did it. It was his marital right, sometime even obligation. Women were beat, even killed, because they acted up, didn't follow the rules, were out of control. If they rebelled against this control, they were said to have hysteria. Doctors thought it was caused by women's uterus and treated them to a vibrator to relieve their anxiety. (Remember those days? Probably not, but surely you have heard of them.)

So how would I feel if say, oh I don't know, my husband put this note on the door after I spent too long chatting with my friend at the coffee house. Or if my boss slapped a "you are late so you don't get to work today" note on the door after I spent an hour trying to get a tow truck for my car that broke down in the rain, and finally made it to work late. How would my husband feel if I did this to him? Would it be a sign of a successful marriage?

No, you say? Then how come treating kids like this makes people think of good parenting? Aren't we trying to teach our kids to be loving, kind? Compassionate, even?

No. I don't suppose so. Someone commented that if you play like an adult you pay like an adult... I don't know of any adult who would put up with this. So what are we really teaching our children by expecting they to? Will they learn discipline by this? Will they know you mean business and therefore toe the line next time?

My kids, they would just head back out, and realize the curfew means nothing. Next time, why even bother coming back if they will be late? The door will be locked anyway.